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day 5 - a time you thought about ending your own life.

I can't remember exactly how old I was, but with a bit of thinking I imagine anyone who actually cares could work it out. I know it was the during my first year of high school. For reasons I don't remember, I'd decided to go on an exchange program to France. Our French counterparts were visiting and a disco had been organised. Now I was very much the awkwardly shy teenager with no social skills, but I had to make this poor guy who was visiting have a fun time, so went anyway.

I can't remember the order of events but two things happened at the disco that stick in my memory.

  1. Some jerk thought it'd be funny to pour a can of coke over my head
  2. Two of the female french students asked me if I wanted to dance.

Not having any idea how to dance and being as previously mentioned an awkwardly shy teenager, I turned down the chance to dance with them. It's something I kind of regret. I suspect it probably didn't help that I may have recently had a can of coke over my head. Cos that certainly drew attention to me when I was trying to avoid being noticed.

Anyway, once I got back having had a pretty much a train wreck of an evening, I got to thinking about how shitty things were and how I wanted to end it all. I thought about all the ways I could do it and evaluated how long it'd take or if it'd hurt. But the main thing I realised, is that if I did do it, that it'd have a really shitty impact on everyone else around me. And for some reason that seemed to matter to me at the time and it still does when those thoughts bubble to the surface.

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I feel like saying something wanky like 'thanks for sharing.' I'm enjoying reading vignettes of people's lives at least; I think the effect on other people is a fairly common restraining factor, certainly for me as well when I've been in similar frames of mind.